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I sit between Allison, a plump-cheeked Williams College graduate who reworks classic bikes in her spare time and LaShelle, a Queens girl with a penchant for magenta lipstick and Jamaican men.

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Mondays, I arrive dizzy from Hamptons rose fuel and tell them about the three-to-a-bed sleepovers, midnight swims, all-night dancing, and meeting Russell Simmons three separate times. There are some things I leave out of my recaps.

Every weekend now, Elise gets wobbly. I notice she always refuses food at dinner, so we have a talk; if you are going to drink, you need to eat something beforehand. Do not hurl the contents of your stomach, so it absorbs Grey Goose straight up, like a sponge. She nods and smiles like a geisha girl, and collapses in a knobby puddle later, heels to kohl-streaked cheeks. Her buddy James is younger, cuter, more fun than Ricky. James is a cocoa-colored Sideshow Bob with rock-hard abs, and he likes her.

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Eric is a New Yorker, a beautiful, rich, asshole with a pretty, wasted following, all of us herded by James and his partner Lips. Elise is smiling. Eric rationalizes away his friend for us.

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He earned his nickname from lips-to-bottle vodka guzzling. He snorts, shoots, and swallows too much of everything else. I ask Michelle, who skips class to club, if I should sleep tonight, and she explains that I need doors. The bedrooms in chicks Southampton home have no doors, so she opens a closet door.

I scan pictures via Google, checking out palatial grounds, party turrets, and glittering bodies. They tell you put ass to mouth cum swapping clothes in the locker and get in your underwear.

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My Summer As a Professional Pretty Girl in the Hamptons

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